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5
- Learn to swim, and fast. If you're planning on escaping mass murdering fuckheads you'll need to be Olympic grade. Michael Phelps could escape Stalin if he really needed to.
4
- Look into the value of your lake houses, they seem to fall apart really easily. So that way while you're fighting tooth and nail to demolish the guy who fucked with your daughter things don't just fall apart. Or not, at least then you'll have a banister to bash his head in with.
3
- Soccer moms should be feared. They have this uncanny ability to seduce and destroy whomever they chose.
2
- Stay away from doctors. They really like to see the effect garbage disposals and microwaves have on the human head.
1
- next time your planning on raping and murdering someone I suggest you find out about their family, where they live, if either parent is a soccer mom or a doctor because if they are pick a different kid who can't swim.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Top Five Lessons Learned From The Evil Dead ( SPOILERS SONZABITCHES)
#5
- Never date an Ashley. Male or female. He or she will definitely dismember you with a chainsaw. Ashley's in general are bad news. I've always thought this, but damn Ashley's are either cheating whores or generally crazed to the point of chainsaw massacre's.
#4
- Michigan State fans are pansy screamers.
#3
- Bruce Campbell has the worst hair in the history of ever, but as I've learned from watching years of B horror films: those with the worst hair live.
#2
- Never leave your house. Let alone take a road trip. This is a lesson learned from the careful viewing of horror films over many terror stricken years. If you're lucky, when leaving the house, you will return with at the very least a severed limb and a serial stalker, who will most likely brutally rape and murder you by the end of the night. So as a rule, build a zombie proof house like that lovely gentleman Mr. Promes and stay in it. Call PeaPod occasionally for previsions but keep your Smith and Wesson close by at all times.
#1
- Never fall in love with a woman. And never be a woman, if you can help it because you are easily possessed and naturally evil. Just so you know.
- Never date an Ashley. Male or female. He or she will definitely dismember you with a chainsaw. Ashley's in general are bad news. I've always thought this, but damn Ashley's are either cheating whores or generally crazed to the point of chainsaw massacre's.
#4
- Michigan State fans are pansy screamers.
#3
- Bruce Campbell has the worst hair in the history of ever, but as I've learned from watching years of B horror films: those with the worst hair live.
#2
- Never leave your house. Let alone take a road trip. This is a lesson learned from the careful viewing of horror films over many terror stricken years. If you're lucky, when leaving the house, you will return with at the very least a severed limb and a serial stalker, who will most likely brutally rape and murder you by the end of the night. So as a rule, build a zombie proof house like that lovely gentleman Mr. Promes and stay in it. Call PeaPod occasionally for previsions but keep your Smith and Wesson close by at all times.
#1
- Never fall in love with a woman. And never be a woman, if you can help it because you are easily possessed and naturally evil. Just so you know.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Top Five Lessons Learned From The HUman Centipede ( SPOILERS BITCHES)
#5
- Why would anyone make this movie?
#4
- Why would anyone want to see this movie?
#3
- Why would anyone think this movie was screenable?
#2
- Why would anyone actually sit through this movie?
#1
- Why isn't everyone who's seen this movie dead yet?
Aside: I haven't even seen it. I just wanted to rant for a second after watching the preview. That's why some people have blogs... So they can rant...
- Why would anyone make this movie?
#4
- Why would anyone want to see this movie?
#3
- Why would anyone think this movie was screenable?
#2
- Why would anyone actually sit through this movie?
#1
- Why isn't everyone who's seen this movie dead yet?
Aside: I haven't even seen it. I just wanted to rant for a second after watching the preview. That's why some people have blogs... So they can rant...
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Top Five Lessons Learned from The Rite ( SPOILERS BITCHES)
#5
- Despite what is believed in popular society, Donkey's are not lazy and kind hearted. They are in fact evil and very unkind to children. SO! When you see a donkey, prepare to be attacked and possessed by the devil... Just FYI.
#4
- Following the theme of animals being evil. Cats are taking over Italy. It's not quite what you were expecting, furry, fluffy and humorously pluralizing revolutions are just as dangerous as all others.
#3
- If you have the chance to go to Excorsist school. Please for Christ's sake ( literally) don't. Unless of course you like fancy gadgets like touch screens and frog infestations. THE FROGS ARE EVERYWHERE!
#2
- I feel like the third installation of the Godfather was wildly inaccurate. Priests aren't all money grubbing, nicotine fiends. They're actually kind of nice sometimes. That is of course when they're not fucking up excorsisms leaving the victims to bleed to death in their hospital beds.
And the number 1 most important lesson learned from The Rite:
- Next you think it might be a good idea to go to Rome, think twice. McDonald's are very hard to find.
- Despite what is believed in popular society, Donkey's are not lazy and kind hearted. They are in fact evil and very unkind to children. SO! When you see a donkey, prepare to be attacked and possessed by the devil... Just FYI.
#4
- Following the theme of animals being evil. Cats are taking over Italy. It's not quite what you were expecting, furry, fluffy and humorously pluralizing revolutions are just as dangerous as all others.
#3
- If you have the chance to go to Excorsist school. Please for Christ's sake ( literally) don't. Unless of course you like fancy gadgets like touch screens and frog infestations. THE FROGS ARE EVERYWHERE!
#2
- I feel like the third installation of the Godfather was wildly inaccurate. Priests aren't all money grubbing, nicotine fiends. They're actually kind of nice sometimes. That is of course when they're not fucking up excorsisms leaving the victims to bleed to death in their hospital beds.
And the number 1 most important lesson learned from The Rite:
- Next you think it might be a good idea to go to Rome, think twice. McDonald's are very hard to find.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Top Five Lessons Learned from Paranormal Entity ( SPOILERS)
5
- All Brothers are in love with their sisters. If they ever get a camera they will shoot them getting ready for bed every night. And also read their diaries. This is a fact. You shouldn't be surprised.
4
- Don't keep the ashes of your dead family members in the basement. If the cat doesn't knock it over and prance around all over the house with ashy paws the demon haunting your sister certainly will.
3
- Grief makes people do stupid shit. Like wear creepy nightgowns to bed and talk to dead people and basically beg for demon possessions.
2
- Terrible interior decorating pisses demons off. I thought the cross was gaudy too, I never would have hung it there. And if I was haunting a house that ugly I would have started throwing things around too.
And the number 1 most important lesson learned from Paranormal Entity:
1
- Don't move to California. Evil feels really at home in California. Demons and hell spawn seem to have decided to just set up shop and get cozy. So unless you're planning on making hell your permanent billing address I wouldn't take the risk. I mean, Paris Hilton does live there. I rest my case.
- All Brothers are in love with their sisters. If they ever get a camera they will shoot them getting ready for bed every night. And also read their diaries. This is a fact. You shouldn't be surprised.
4
- Don't keep the ashes of your dead family members in the basement. If the cat doesn't knock it over and prance around all over the house with ashy paws the demon haunting your sister certainly will.
3
- Grief makes people do stupid shit. Like wear creepy nightgowns to bed and talk to dead people and basically beg for demon possessions.
2
- Terrible interior decorating pisses demons off. I thought the cross was gaudy too, I never would have hung it there. And if I was haunting a house that ugly I would have started throwing things around too.
And the number 1 most important lesson learned from Paranormal Entity:
1
- Don't move to California. Evil feels really at home in California. Demons and hell spawn seem to have decided to just set up shop and get cozy. So unless you're planning on making hell your permanent billing address I wouldn't take the risk. I mean, Paris Hilton does live there. I rest my case.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Top Five Lessons Learned from The Omen (Original) ( Spoilers)
5
- Hide all the rope in your house from your nanny. They tend to be obsessive and suicide prone. And make sure you give her the day off when you're planning a highly publicized birthday for your devil's spawn because if you don't you could be stuck with some pretty intense psychiatric bills from not only the children in attendance at the party but most likely the parents as well.
4
- Never take a baby from a priest. Unless you're planning on taking trips all over the world trying to figure out how to kill it later on. Then again, I'm going to need a really good excuse to go to Italy in a few years so if there are any priest's you know trying to get rid of babies, call me stat.
3
- The jig is always up when the wife figures out her four yearold son is trying to kill her. At that point coming clean probably would have saved her life. But then, nobody gave a shit about the poor jackal either. I guess the devil isn't all that preoccupied with animal cruelty when it comes to the anti-christ though.
2
-Rottweilers are actually demons. Not that you didn't already know that. I just thought I would clarify. I don't think I've ever looked a rottweiler in the face and thought " Oooo, lets take it to my toddler. So, cuddly."
And the number 1 most important lesson learned from The Omen:
- Baboons are smarter than humans. If the Anti-Christ drove through my habitat I might have a gotten a little bit of a creepy vibe. But I don't think I would have had the gall to make that big of a ruckus. Naw, yeah. I probably would have let it slide. Plus I wouldn't want to have to pay for the damages. Saving the world from utter destruction is one thing, while paying for Mercedes Benz repair work is another.
- Hide all the rope in your house from your nanny. They tend to be obsessive and suicide prone. And make sure you give her the day off when you're planning a highly publicized birthday for your devil's spawn because if you don't you could be stuck with some pretty intense psychiatric bills from not only the children in attendance at the party but most likely the parents as well.
4
- Never take a baby from a priest. Unless you're planning on taking trips all over the world trying to figure out how to kill it later on. Then again, I'm going to need a really good excuse to go to Italy in a few years so if there are any priest's you know trying to get rid of babies, call me stat.
3
- The jig is always up when the wife figures out her four yearold son is trying to kill her. At that point coming clean probably would have saved her life. But then, nobody gave a shit about the poor jackal either. I guess the devil isn't all that preoccupied with animal cruelty when it comes to the anti-christ though.
2
-Rottweilers are actually demons. Not that you didn't already know that. I just thought I would clarify. I don't think I've ever looked a rottweiler in the face and thought " Oooo, lets take it to my toddler. So, cuddly."
And the number 1 most important lesson learned from The Omen:
- Baboons are smarter than humans. If the Anti-Christ drove through my habitat I might have a gotten a little bit of a creepy vibe. But I don't think I would have had the gall to make that big of a ruckus. Naw, yeah. I probably would have let it slide. Plus I wouldn't want to have to pay for the damages. Saving the world from utter destruction is one thing, while paying for Mercedes Benz repair work is another.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Top five lessons leanred from The Crazies ( SPOILERS)
5. The government is evil. They will kill EVERYONE you know, no matter what. And soldiers are heartless, they will also kill everyone you know, no matter what. Just orders, sir.
4. Fucking people who hunt ducks really wish they were hunting humans and they'll take any excuse ( even if it isn't a good one like contamination of the water supply) to play target practice with human clay pigeons.
3. People in horror films have never seen a horror film. If they had this movie would not have taken place, they just would have had lots of sex and then shot themselves because when it comes to contamination of water no one is safe and you had better kill yourself before you get stuck in a morgue with someone who likes to sew.
2. No one minds when a nuclear blast hits Iowa. I mean, it's not like it makes that much a difference anyway.
1. Truckers will live to rule the world someday because apparently Semi's can sustain nuclear holocaust and remain pretty much intact.
Aside:
I know everyone is going to laugh, but I was actually really impressed with this movie. It had some pretty awesome cinematography and just happened to take my mind off my utterly disastrous room and the fact that I have to wake up at 8 AM tomorrow morning.
PS. I've noticed a theme throughout horror films: Love lasts. While everything else is going to shit even if you end up killing each other in some horrific way at least you loved each other up till the very end even when you were slitting your boyfriends throat.
I kind of like this fact. It makes me feel pretty fuzzy. Well, that is, as fuzzy as one can feel during a bloodbath.
4. Fucking people who hunt ducks really wish they were hunting humans and they'll take any excuse ( even if it isn't a good one like contamination of the water supply) to play target practice with human clay pigeons.
3. People in horror films have never seen a horror film. If they had this movie would not have taken place, they just would have had lots of sex and then shot themselves because when it comes to contamination of water no one is safe and you had better kill yourself before you get stuck in a morgue with someone who likes to sew.
2. No one minds when a nuclear blast hits Iowa. I mean, it's not like it makes that much a difference anyway.
1. Truckers will live to rule the world someday because apparently Semi's can sustain nuclear holocaust and remain pretty much intact.
Aside:
I know everyone is going to laugh, but I was actually really impressed with this movie. It had some pretty awesome cinematography and just happened to take my mind off my utterly disastrous room and the fact that I have to wake up at 8 AM tomorrow morning.
PS. I've noticed a theme throughout horror films: Love lasts. While everything else is going to shit even if you end up killing each other in some horrific way at least you loved each other up till the very end even when you were slitting your boyfriends throat.
I kind of like this fact. It makes me feel pretty fuzzy. Well, that is, as fuzzy as one can feel during a bloodbath.
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