The Exorcism of Emily Rose (SPOILERS)

Top five lessons learned from the Exorcism of Emily Rose

#5

We've put a lot of people in insane asylums for nothing, frankly. We could have just exorcized them instead of spending thousands upon thousands of dollars on medicating them.

#4

Does anyone else feel that this was just one long, hyper extended Lady Gaga video? Amirite?

#3

No matter how much love there is in the world, including the love of God, life still fucking blows. Life is just not even the slightest bit fair. She never did a single thing wrong. SHE NEVER EVEN HAD SEX! Nawamsayin'?

#2

Spiders are actually pretty tastie.

#1

Demons are fucking retarded. These motherfuckers were inside HITLER! And they pick this devout Catholic girl from ( where? Like, Wisconsin or some shit.) These demons... who's names have been changed for protection... Inhabited one of the MOST infamous and horrifying people in the universe and they pick THIS chick next? I dunno what they were thinking but I'm pretty sure this girl couldn't have risen to power in the early 20th century and killed millions of people. All I'm sayin' is... Well, just be a little more choosy next time.

Haunting in Connecticut ( SPOILERS)

Top five lessons learned from Haunting in Connecticut

#5

If you free the spirits trapped ghosts, no matter what fatal disease you have it will disappear instantly. So the next time you come down with brain cancer just become a hero in the spirit world and it will be gone by morning.

#4

No matter how old you are in hollywood you can always play a teenager. This main character's real name is Kyle Gallner, he's been 22 for about the past month and a half. He's still playing teenagers. It reminds me of the Buffy years. I swear to god most of those people were at least 25 and they were all playing 16 year olds.

#3

All husbands of mothers with children suffering from fatal illnesses are alcoholics. Just the way it is. Sorry guys.

#2

Never rent a house in Connecticut. You'll end up with some pretty ungrateful dead people haunting your family and attempting to kill you in the shower.

#1 most important lesson learned from Haunting in Connecticut

Connecticut is a pretty but extremely haunted. Stay as far away from it as possible. Make a detour to France if you have to, but NEVER ever go to Connecticut unless you're planning on living in a house with hundreds of dead bodies hidden in the walls. All you can do in situation like that is burn the mother-fucker to the ground and spit on its ashes, but make sure you've got some kind of fatal disease when you do it. That way you can be cured instantly.

Stigmata ( SPOILERS)

Top five lessons learned from Stigmata

#5

Chumbawumba isn't that terrible of a band. In fact, they make some really good songs to do shit tons of drugs to.

#4

If you're wondering what people are like in Brazil, this film will clear it up for you. They're all blind and disfigured and excessively poor and they sell things stolen from dead men to American tourists.

#3

Hairstylists are all heavy drinkers and they come on to priests and they love to do shots of vodka.

#2

The 90's weren't all bad, quite the opposite actually, we got to see Patricia Arquette naked a lot.

#1 most important lesson learned from Stigmata

Priests are all corrupt and so is the ENTIRE catholic church. They'll try to kill you and send you to hell no matter if you're possessed or not. And if you are possessed, don't tell a priest. He'll only try to strangle you in your sleep.

Drag Me to Hell ( SPOILERS)

Top five lessons learned from Drag Me to Hell

#5

Never accept gifts, especially necklaces, most of them are cursed and the devil seems to take jewelry very seriously.

#4

Goats do NOT make good pets. They are easily possessed and they will probably eat your hands off during a seance.

#3

When you're wondering about the best time to take your girlfriend to meet your stuck up parents, right around the time she's being haunted by a demon may not be the opportune moment.

#2

If there was ever a shadow of a doubt for you whether bankers have souls watching this movie will clear it all right up for you. They don't and the next time you go into a bank hoping for a loan or an extension on your mortgage payment take some type of cursed object with you. It may not get you the extension but you'll die laughing.

#1 most important lesson learned from Drag Me to Hell

Always keep your car clean especially if you have a specific cursed object in an envelope somewhere, you don't want to mix it up with your cell phone bill when your out dismantling grave sites. The old lady who's grave your robbing wont appreciate being rudely awakened by your over used minutes being shoved in her mouth.

Paranormal Activity ( SPOILERS)

Top five lessons learned from Paranormal Activity

#5

If you'd like to explore the demon possession in your home, buying a camera and being a jack ass is a sure fire way to get dead.

#4

Never lie to your girlfriend, especially about ouija boards. She's right you know, and she might just gut you like a fish later.

#3

True love exists. Frankly, if my boyfriend was dragged screaming from our bed by and down the hallway by an unseen hand in the middle of the night, I'd've told him to keep the house and the demon and anything else he wanted, for that matter and take my ass to hotel. But, not for this couple. Our darling, devoted boyfriend does quite the opposite.

#2

When you're girlfriend suddenly changes her mind about staying in a hotel for the night and snuggles up in your bed in your otherwise terrifyingly haunted bedroom get the fuck outa dodge, mister.

# 1 most important lesson learned from Paranormal Activity

When you hear the wretched screams of your girlfriend downstairs in the wee hours of the morning, wait it out, I'm sure she'll be fine once the demon possession induced devilish rage wears off and then you can go right back to sleeping in the same bed as a woman possessed by the devil himself. Sweet dreams, tiger.

Top Five Lessons Learned from Cabin Fever ( SPOILERS)

#5

We all know Eli Roth has to make at least one cameo appearance in almost all of his movies but when you see him playing two different characters, we must come to the conclusion that the films budget was very low or Mr. Roth has a very specific sort of passion for this one. The production value for this movie was fantastic so that would lead us to option 2 and I would say when Eli has a specific passion for something, it generally means the content will be masterfully fucked up.

#4

Never trust someone just because they were in a hit show on the Disney channel. They may end up beating your face off with a shovel.

#3

Never try to eat a turkey sandwich during the pig gutting scene, you might end up vomiting on your grandfathers couch in your sunroom. Try explaining that to your neat freak roommates.

#2

When traveling to a cabin right around the middle of sisterfucking nowhere only drink alcohol. Trust me drinking yourself to death is a far better fate than letting Eli Roth's twisted ass come up with your death scene. Better to die singing Dropkick Murphy's by the lake than end up like the ill-fated frat boy.

#1 most important lesson learned from Cabin Fever

If God ever gives you the chance to chose which director will film your death, pick someone frilly like Sophia Coppola, not Eli Roth. Unless you're like me and would prefer a gory and exceptionally fucked up death, in which case find Eli Roth on Twitter or visit one of his personally endorsed websites. We do love that devilishly good-looking, twisted motherfucker! :)

Top Five Lessons Learned from Hostel (SPOILERS)

Top five lessons learned from Hostel

#5

Nice guys don't finish last for Eli Roth, they're actually dismembered and brutally murdered second in line. It's probably the only thing nice guys do well, they die spectacularly, guts spewing in various directions and screaming like women.

#4

Everyone has bad hair, except for the Asians, but thats not all they have going for them, they also scream exceptionally well. So when they're being tortured with spark plugs or whatever the hell else Mr. Roth has in store for them, we get to at least hear the pretty falsetto tones.

#3

Never watch the eye scene laying in bed, you might be cleaning the vomit off you and your significant other. Luckily, I only had to wash my sheets.

#2

Always use the buddy system. If you lose track of your buddy just fucking forget about leaving notes at the front desk of the hostel. The concierge probably already ate his scalp and sold his passport while you were fucking the cute Slovakian girl from the discoteque down the street. Duck and cover, Broski.

#1 most important lesson learned from Hostel

Forgetting to take out the trash and clean the bathroom and instead watching Hostel = fight with roommates.