Top Five Lessons Learned from The Omen (Original) ( Spoilers)

5

- Hide all the rope in your house from your nanny. They tend to be obsessive and suicide prone. And make sure you give her the day off when you're planning a highly publicized birthday for your devil's spawn because if you don't you could be stuck with some pretty intense psychiatric bills from not only the children in attendance at the party but most likely the parents as well.

4

- Never take a baby from a priest. Unless you're planning on taking trips all over the world trying to figure out how to kill it later on. Then again, I'm going to need a really good excuse to go to Italy in a few years so if there are any priest's you know trying to get rid of babies, call me stat.

3

- The jig is always up when the wife figures out her four yearold son is trying to kill her. At that point coming clean probably would have saved her life. But then, nobody gave a shit about the poor jackal either. I guess the devil isn't all that preoccupied with animal cruelty when it comes to the anti-christ though.

2

-Rottweilers are actually demons. Not that you didn't already know that. I just thought I would clarify. I don't think I've ever looked a rottweiler in the face and thought " Oooo, lets take it to my toddler. So, cuddly."

And the number 1 most important lesson learned from The Omen:


- Baboons are smarter than humans. If the Anti-Christ drove through my habitat I might have a gotten a little bit of a creepy vibe. But I don't think I would have had the gall to make that big of a ruckus. Naw, yeah. I probably would have let it slide. Plus I wouldn't want to have to pay for the damages. Saving the world from utter destruction is one thing, while paying for Mercedes Benz repair work is another.

Top five lessons leanred from The Crazies ( SPOILERS)

5. The government is evil. They will kill EVERYONE you know, no matter what. And soldiers are heartless, they will also kill everyone you know, no matter what. Just orders, sir.

4. Fucking people who hunt ducks really wish they were hunting humans and they'll take any excuse ( even if it isn't a good one like contamination of the water supply) to play target practice with human clay pigeons.

3. People in horror films have never seen a horror film. If they had this movie would not have taken place, they just would have had lots of sex and then shot themselves because when it comes to contamination of water no one is safe and you had better kill yourself before you get stuck in a morgue with someone who likes to sew.

2. No one minds when a nuclear blast hits Iowa. I mean, it's not like it makes that much a difference anyway.

1. Truckers will live to rule the world someday because apparently Semi's can sustain nuclear holocaust and remain pretty much intact.

Aside:

I know everyone is going to laugh, but I was actually really impressed with this movie. It had some pretty awesome cinematography and just happened to take my mind off my utterly disastrous room and the fact that I have to wake up at 8 AM tomorrow morning.

PS. I've noticed a theme throughout horror films: Love lasts. While everything else is going to shit even if you end up killing each other in some horrific way at least you loved each other up till the very end even when you were slitting your boyfriends throat.
I kind of like this fact. It makes me feel pretty fuzzy. Well, that is, as fuzzy as one can feel during a bloodbath.

The Haunting ( 1999) ( SPOILERS)

Top five things we learn from The Haunting

# 5

It only takes a couple slightly deranged people to have a real killer party. It's kinda fun to play the how-much-more-psychotic-are-than-me game late at night when there are dead children in the firepit.

# 4

If Catherine Zeta-Jones were dead and fat and deformed she would still be hot. She had these crazy designer boots on the whole time. The costumer must have had some kind of sick obsession because no one in their right mind puts a woman in 5 inch heels and asks her to run all over a giant house for hours. But, of course, most of the house was a back drop, so never mind, I retract my statement.

# 3

Owen Wilson, before the cutting scars, was actually a kind of alright guy. I don't know about the rest of you but every time I see that fucking nose I can't stop wondering what must have happened to it. Maybe Luke took some kind of mallet to it when they were young. Or smashed his head into a brick wall repeatedly. Or maybe he did it on purpose. I can see him now thinking to himself, " The only way a weird-slightly-creepy-but-still-endearing guy like me is gonna get anywhere is if my face is all fucked up." And then promptly shoving his nose in a meat grinder.

# 2

Psychologists are fucked up people. IMagine the type of therapist your therapist needs to get rid of all the trauma they experience from having to listen to all your bullshit whining all the time.

The # 1 most important lesson learned from The Haunting

That girl from Mystic Pizza is REALLY good at acting like a maniac. She's kind of the favorite 90's girl who never made it big like Julia Roberts. Oh, well, she's playing with children from hell now. I'm sure she'll be fine, after all when you have no life to begin with it really isn't all that bad never having one. Stagnation is always nice.