Top Five Lessons Learned from Paranormal Entity ( SPOILERS)

5

- All Brothers are in love with their sisters. If they ever get a camera they will shoot them getting ready for bed every night. And also read their diaries. This is a fact. You shouldn't be surprised.

4

- Don't keep the ashes of your dead family members in the basement. If the cat doesn't knock it over and prance around all over the house with ashy paws the demon haunting your sister certainly will.

3

- Grief makes people do stupid shit. Like wear creepy nightgowns to bed and talk to dead people and basically beg for demon possessions.

2

- Terrible interior decorating pisses demons off. I thought the cross was gaudy too, I never would have hung it there. And if I was haunting a house that ugly I would have started throwing things around too.

And the number 1 most important lesson learned from Paranormal Entity:

1

- Don't move to California. Evil feels really at home in California. Demons and hell spawn seem to have decided to just set up shop and get cozy. So unless you're planning on making hell your permanent billing address I wouldn't take the risk. I mean, Paris Hilton does live there. I rest my case.

Top Five Lessons Learned from The Omen (Original) ( Spoilers)

5

- Hide all the rope in your house from your nanny. They tend to be obsessive and suicide prone. And make sure you give her the day off when you're planning a highly publicized birthday for your devil's spawn because if you don't you could be stuck with some pretty intense psychiatric bills from not only the children in attendance at the party but most likely the parents as well.

4

- Never take a baby from a priest. Unless you're planning on taking trips all over the world trying to figure out how to kill it later on. Then again, I'm going to need a really good excuse to go to Italy in a few years so if there are any priest's you know trying to get rid of babies, call me stat.

3

- The jig is always up when the wife figures out her four yearold son is trying to kill her. At that point coming clean probably would have saved her life. But then, nobody gave a shit about the poor jackal either. I guess the devil isn't all that preoccupied with animal cruelty when it comes to the anti-christ though.

2

-Rottweilers are actually demons. Not that you didn't already know that. I just thought I would clarify. I don't think I've ever looked a rottweiler in the face and thought " Oooo, lets take it to my toddler. So, cuddly."

And the number 1 most important lesson learned from The Omen:


- Baboons are smarter than humans. If the Anti-Christ drove through my habitat I might have a gotten a little bit of a creepy vibe. But I don't think I would have had the gall to make that big of a ruckus. Naw, yeah. I probably would have let it slide. Plus I wouldn't want to have to pay for the damages. Saving the world from utter destruction is one thing, while paying for Mercedes Benz repair work is another.

Top five lessons leanred from The Crazies ( SPOILERS)

5. The government is evil. They will kill EVERYONE you know, no matter what. And soldiers are heartless, they will also kill everyone you know, no matter what. Just orders, sir.

4. Fucking people who hunt ducks really wish they were hunting humans and they'll take any excuse ( even if it isn't a good one like contamination of the water supply) to play target practice with human clay pigeons.

3. People in horror films have never seen a horror film. If they had this movie would not have taken place, they just would have had lots of sex and then shot themselves because when it comes to contamination of water no one is safe and you had better kill yourself before you get stuck in a morgue with someone who likes to sew.

2. No one minds when a nuclear blast hits Iowa. I mean, it's not like it makes that much a difference anyway.

1. Truckers will live to rule the world someday because apparently Semi's can sustain nuclear holocaust and remain pretty much intact.

Aside:

I know everyone is going to laugh, but I was actually really impressed with this movie. It had some pretty awesome cinematography and just happened to take my mind off my utterly disastrous room and the fact that I have to wake up at 8 AM tomorrow morning.

PS. I've noticed a theme throughout horror films: Love lasts. While everything else is going to shit even if you end up killing each other in some horrific way at least you loved each other up till the very end even when you were slitting your boyfriends throat.
I kind of like this fact. It makes me feel pretty fuzzy. Well, that is, as fuzzy as one can feel during a bloodbath.

The Haunting ( 1999) ( SPOILERS)

Top five things we learn from The Haunting

# 5

It only takes a couple slightly deranged people to have a real killer party. It's kinda fun to play the how-much-more-psychotic-are-than-me game late at night when there are dead children in the firepit.

# 4

If Catherine Zeta-Jones were dead and fat and deformed she would still be hot. She had these crazy designer boots on the whole time. The costumer must have had some kind of sick obsession because no one in their right mind puts a woman in 5 inch heels and asks her to run all over a giant house for hours. But, of course, most of the house was a back drop, so never mind, I retract my statement.

# 3

Owen Wilson, before the cutting scars, was actually a kind of alright guy. I don't know about the rest of you but every time I see that fucking nose I can't stop wondering what must have happened to it. Maybe Luke took some kind of mallet to it when they were young. Or smashed his head into a brick wall repeatedly. Or maybe he did it on purpose. I can see him now thinking to himself, " The only way a weird-slightly-creepy-but-still-endearing guy like me is gonna get anywhere is if my face is all fucked up." And then promptly shoving his nose in a meat grinder.

# 2

Psychologists are fucked up people. IMagine the type of therapist your therapist needs to get rid of all the trauma they experience from having to listen to all your bullshit whining all the time.

The # 1 most important lesson learned from The Haunting

That girl from Mystic Pizza is REALLY good at acting like a maniac. She's kind of the favorite 90's girl who never made it big like Julia Roberts. Oh, well, she's playing with children from hell now. I'm sure she'll be fine, after all when you have no life to begin with it really isn't all that bad never having one. Stagnation is always nice.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose (SPOILERS)

Top five lessons learned from the Exorcism of Emily Rose

#5

We've put a lot of people in insane asylums for nothing, frankly. We could have just exorcized them instead of spending thousands upon thousands of dollars on medicating them.

#4

Does anyone else feel that this was just one long, hyper extended Lady Gaga video? Amirite?

#3

No matter how much love there is in the world, including the love of God, life still fucking blows. Life is just not even the slightest bit fair. She never did a single thing wrong. SHE NEVER EVEN HAD SEX! Nawamsayin'?

#2

Spiders are actually pretty tastie.

#1

Demons are fucking retarded. These motherfuckers were inside HITLER! And they pick this devout Catholic girl from ( where? Like, Wisconsin or some shit.) These demons... who's names have been changed for protection... Inhabited one of the MOST infamous and horrifying people in the universe and they pick THIS chick next? I dunno what they were thinking but I'm pretty sure this girl couldn't have risen to power in the early 20th century and killed millions of people. All I'm sayin' is... Well, just be a little more choosy next time.

Haunting in Connecticut ( SPOILERS)

Top five lessons learned from Haunting in Connecticut

#5

If you free the spirits trapped ghosts, no matter what fatal disease you have it will disappear instantly. So the next time you come down with brain cancer just become a hero in the spirit world and it will be gone by morning.

#4

No matter how old you are in hollywood you can always play a teenager. This main character's real name is Kyle Gallner, he's been 22 for about the past month and a half. He's still playing teenagers. It reminds me of the Buffy years. I swear to god most of those people were at least 25 and they were all playing 16 year olds.

#3

All husbands of mothers with children suffering from fatal illnesses are alcoholics. Just the way it is. Sorry guys.

#2

Never rent a house in Connecticut. You'll end up with some pretty ungrateful dead people haunting your family and attempting to kill you in the shower.

#1 most important lesson learned from Haunting in Connecticut

Connecticut is a pretty but extremely haunted. Stay as far away from it as possible. Make a detour to France if you have to, but NEVER ever go to Connecticut unless you're planning on living in a house with hundreds of dead bodies hidden in the walls. All you can do in situation like that is burn the mother-fucker to the ground and spit on its ashes, but make sure you've got some kind of fatal disease when you do it. That way you can be cured instantly.

Stigmata ( SPOILERS)

Top five lessons learned from Stigmata

#5

Chumbawumba isn't that terrible of a band. In fact, they make some really good songs to do shit tons of drugs to.

#4

If you're wondering what people are like in Brazil, this film will clear it up for you. They're all blind and disfigured and excessively poor and they sell things stolen from dead men to American tourists.

#3

Hairstylists are all heavy drinkers and they come on to priests and they love to do shots of vodka.

#2

The 90's weren't all bad, quite the opposite actually, we got to see Patricia Arquette naked a lot.

#1 most important lesson learned from Stigmata

Priests are all corrupt and so is the ENTIRE catholic church. They'll try to kill you and send you to hell no matter if you're possessed or not. And if you are possessed, don't tell a priest. He'll only try to strangle you in your sleep.